Dan Vs the Baby
by razzberry96
Summary: Chris and Elise are expecting there first child... Chris has a question to ask Elise that hes been waiting for nine months. "Elise,is this baby mine or Dans?" What will the answer be? Find out! Read and Review Please!
1. Chapter 1

"Aw come on Chris, you promised you would go with me to the monster movie madness film festival." Dan begged his much taller friend.

Chris sighed, "I'm sorry Dan, but Elise needs me right now."

Dan walked in front of Chris, "You've become a much different person you know that. It's like I don't know you anymore."

Chris picked up the stubby man and put him on the side, "Dan, the baby is coming any day know and I need to be with my wife."

"This kid is ruining my life." Dan grumbled.

"How?"

"It's taking you away from me! Now you're going to be a father and gonna be all mushy-gushy." Dan yelled throwing his hands in the air.

"I don't appreciate you calling my child an 'it'." Chris took out his keys from his pocket.

"Well do you know the gender?" Dan asked.

"No. Elise and I want to be surprised. Look Dan, I'll see you tomorrow." And with that Chris closed the door in Dan's face.

Dan walked out to the street clenching his fist,

"BABY!"

~.~

Being nine months pregnant gave Elise strange cravings, "Chris, honey?"

Chris poked his head out of the kitchen, "Yeah babe?"

"I want pickles with whip cream." She asked nicely.

Chris sighed, "We don't have whip cream. What else-"

"You don't love me anymore," Elise started to cry; "I need whip cream."

Chris ran up to her, "I'll go get some whip cream babe." Chris quickly put on his shoes, "See? I'm going." He walked out the door.

He noticed Dan sitting on the curb, "Dan?"

The short man turned around, "Chris! Finally you're out, now let's go." He pulled Chris to the car.

Chris turned on the car and pulled out of the driveway. Dan sat in the passenger seat and turned around, "Hey, where's the car seat?"

"What?"

"The car seat I got for the kid." Dan crossed his arms.

"Dan you got that car seat from the city dump. And it said 'Poop Master' on the side." Chris said.

Dan scoffed, "It was in gold!"

Chris decided to stay quiet since there was no point in fighting with his stubborn friend. Dan looked out the window as they passed the movie theater,

"Uh Chris? I know you can be really stupid sometimes but you just passed the movies."

"Dan I told you, we are not going today." Chris concentrated on not trying to blow up in Dan's face again.

Two years ago Dan tried to do an experiment on Chris's house to prove to a home realtor that houses can cost less if they have leaky sinks; Dan flooded their house completely. Chris and Elise left to stay with Elise's parents while the insurance fixed their house. Chris told Dan off when Dan called Chris to go to the movies with him. The two friends didn't speak for months until Chris bailed Dan out of jail for robbing cat food for Mr. Mumbles.

Chris parked the car in front of the market, "Stay here. I'll be back."

Dan watched as Chris walked inside the store. "What kind of idiot is Chris? He left the keys in the car." Dan eyed the keys that dangled I front of him; they tempted him.

~.~

Chris walked out of the store and noticed a crowd of people around his car. He checked his pockets for his keys and grumbled, "Shit."

As he walked to his car he heard heavy metal music blasting through the windows and the crowd yelling at Dan who paid no attention to them. Chris pushed his way through the crowd and saw Dan playing air guitar in his car. A police officer walked up to Chris and pointed to a sign that read, '_No Loud Music in Parking Lot.' _

"Just give me the ticket." Chris said angrily as the police officer wrote the ticket down.

"Rules are rules, sir. Maybe you should follow them." He gave him the ticket and walked away, "Next time read the sign."

"You read the sign." Chris whispered.

"Hey hippie!" An elderly woman yelled.

Chris turned around, "Yes ma'am I'm sorry, I'll turn it off."

"I live right behind the store and the music woke me up from my nap." She snapped. She along with the angry crowd walked away.

Chris looked at the ticket, sighed and got in the car. He turned off the music.

"Hey I was listening to that." Dan said with his mouth full.

Chris noticed a sandwich in Dan's hand, "Where did you get that?"

Dan took another bite of his sandwich, "My pants. Where else?"

Chris wanted to yell at Dan but decided to keep quiet; his wife was waiting.


	2. Chapter 2

**Hello fellow readers! I'm very sorry that I had you all waiting for chapter 2 :'( It's just with school starting and just getting settled has been a toughie! Now I'm ready to begin writing again! Yahhhhh lol. I am now a junior in high school and I'm very excited! Okay I'm done talking now lol. I hope you all enjoy Dan vs. the baby chapter 2!**

Chris dropped Dan off at his apartment without saying goodbye. He rode home, gripping the ticket in his hand. As he came to a red light, Chris crumbled the ticket and threw it in the backseat grumbling to himself. An old woman slowly crossed the street with a cane. Her cheery smile and her rosy cheeks didn't cross Chris's mind. The light turned green as the woman walked in front of car. Chris honked scaring the old woman,

"Move faster!"

After the woman caught her breath, she looked at Chris and flipped him off. Chris was getting angrier by the second and he was tempted to run her over but she made it safely to the curb just as the light turned red again. Chris yelled. He didn't want to wait another minute for another old lady to cross the road. He found his foot pushing the gas pedal and speeding into the crossing cars. He made it through the passing cars and didn't care if they were honking, he just wanted to get home and sleep without Dan bothering him.

Chris pulled into his driveway and noticed a car parked in front of his house.

"Oh perfect! Just what I need."

He slammed his car door shut, locked it, and walked up to his front door. He put his head up to the door and heard laughter. He took a deep breath and walked in with a forced smile.

Elise sat on the couch eating pickles with whip cream. Her parents sat next to her, rubbing her belly.

"Where did you get the whip cream?" Chris asked as he held up the grocery bag containg the whip cream.

"My parents bought me some. You took too long." Elise said dipping the pickle in the whip cream.

"I was only gone for 20 minutes."

Elise Sr. huffed, "Chris, when a woman is pregnant, it's up to her husband, that's you, to get her the things she needs."

Chris didn't want to argue and wasn't in the mood. He was on his way to his room when Elise stopped him,

"Where are you going honey?"

"I'm feeling a little out of it. I'm gonna go take a nap." Chris faked a yawn.

Don stood up and walked over to Chris, "My daughter says that you haven't picked out a name for my grandchild." Don sat Chris down on the couch.

"Well we were –"But Chris stopped when he saw that Elise's parents shook their heads. Chris sighed and put his arm around Elise and the other hand on her belly.

"If it's a boy, I would like to name him Tyler." Elise said.

Elise Sr. grew excited, "If it's a girl you can name her Elise! The tradition can keep going!"

"No!" Elise and Chris yelled together.

Chris cleared his throat, "I think Tyler is a perfect name for a boy."

The rest of the afternoon Elise's parents discussed baby names, while Chris lazily dozed off. He was going to wait to ask Elise a question that has been bugging him for nine months.

Chris woke up to the find the living room empty. He looked at the clock and noticed he's been asleep for two hours. He stretched out on the couch and walked to his room, where he found Elise humming a cheerful tune folding clothes.

"Elise?"

She turned around holding a baby shirt with the saying, 'I love my daddy.' Chris gulped at the sight of the shirt, and then walked up to his wife. They sat on the bed; Chris held Elise's hand and asked her the question that he'd been dieying to ask her.

"Elise, are you pregnant with my baby?"

Elise was taken aback at the question her husband had said, "Chris, why would you ask that?" And then she remembered the night. The night she kissed Dan.

**And there you have it ladies and gentleman! I know I know its really short but I needed this to be done. I already left you waiting for 3 months. I hope this is enough for you 'fans' lol.**

**Please review, comment anything I always love reading what you think! Till next time my pretties! **


	3. Chapter 3

**Okay ladies and germs... here it is the moment you've all been waiting for! Enjoy!**

"Chris, I told you, all we did was kiss. If you want to even call it that." Elise said.

Chris looked at his at his wife, someone he thought he could trust, and then looked down at her belly.

"Look," Elise sighed, "If you don't believe me, we can go get a paternity test."

Chris closed his eyes, "No. Just tell me the story one more."

The couple sat on their bed, Elise thought she'd never have to tell this story again:

**Elise's P.O.V**

I looked at the gigantic house that stood in front of Chris and me. The song, 'Some Nights' by F.U.N is being played in the backyard and people were laughing and dancing.

"I hate this song." Dan grumbled from behind us.

Chris takes my hand and leads me inside where we saw hundreds of people laughing, dancing, drinking, and playing poker. I feel my free hand go to my flat stomach. I was pregnant, but I didn't want to tell Chris. Not yet. I had found out the night before. I was so excited to become a mother and I knew that Chris would make a great father, but I was worried about Dan. He had slept over the day after we had our 'Date night' and I didn't want to tell Chris. Knowing Dan, he would ruin the whole thing. But after tonight's party and after dropping Dan off at his apartment, I'll tell him.

"Do you want a beer, honey?" Chris asked me.

"No. Can you get me a bottle of water?"

Dan has wandered off somewhere, grumbling how stupid the party was. I took a seat by a familiar face, Audrey, Chris's boss and we talked and laughed, danced and before I knew it, it was midnight and the party was still going on strong. Chris was at one of the poker tables gambling away, but winning a lot of money. Poker was his game. But there was something missing, Dan. I haven't seen him since we arrived. That is not a good sign.

I looked around the bottom half of the house and in the backyard, but there was no sign of the short whiner. I cautiously ventured up the stairs; the hallway looked as if it came out of Stephan Kings, 'The Shinning,' or something like that. I looked through each room, knocking of course, but still no sign of Dan. Then as I turned a corner to go back down the stairs, I ran into Dan. We both fell, him on top of me and our lips met. As if out of a movie, Chris walked up the stairs and gasped. I knew what he must be thinking. His wife kissing his best friend? My heart broke and before I knew it, Chris walked down the stairs. I punched Dan off of me and got up. Dan was unaware of Chris's appreance and shouted as usual,

"Watch were your going, Elise." He wiped his lip like he had been infected or something.

"Where have you been?" I snapped.

"Why do you care and where's Chris? I wanna go home."

I grabbed Dan by the collar of his shirt and made him follow me throughout the house in search of my husband. Chris had been in the car waiting for us. Without a word I pushed Dan in the back seat of the car and took my place in the front. The ride home was quiet, even Dan was quiet. We dropped him off at his place and we headed home. Chris had not said a word.

So much for the surprise.

.~.

"And that's it, Chris. We bumped into each other and you happened to walk in on that, honey." Elise said. "I promise the life of our child, that's what happened."

Chris looked at the full nine month stomach that he found his hand to be on.

"The baby is yours Chris." Elise whispered.

Chris looked into the eyes of his wife, "I'm sorry, Elise. I guess just seeing that accident was tattooed to my brain, that when you told me you were pregnant, I thought it Dan's."

Elise kissed Chris, "I love you, Chris."

The couple went to bed with smiles on their faces, waiting for their child to be born.

Later on that night, Elise felt sharp pain in her stomach. She jolted up and grabbed Chris's arm shaking it violently,

"Chris, Chris wake up."

"What- what's going on?" Chris yawned.

"The baby is coming."

.~.

Chris held Elise's hand as they prepared her for the birth of their baby boy or girl. The couple smiled at each other but stopped when they heard a familiar voice just outside of the delivery room. Dan was here.

"Where are they?" Dan yelled.

"Sir, you can't go in there." The nurse said trying to be patient with him.

Chris looked at Elise and he walked out of the room to see Dan on the nurses desk, shouting. Before the security could come and take away Dan, Chris pulled him down.

"You will not ruin this day, Dan. You will sit in this chair, quietly, until I come out and get you. If you are taken away by security, I will not go anywhere with you. Am I understood?" Chris said.

Dan stared at Chris hard but found respect for him, "Okay buddy. Good luck." Dan patted Chris on the back and watched him disappear between the double doors.

Four hours later, Chris appeared in the waiting room with a big smile on his face. Dan was waiting anxiously by the door,

"Well?" He asked.

"Come on." Chris guided Dan inside the delivery room where Elise sat on the bed holding a baby girl. She looked exhausted and her hair was out of place. Dan held back the urge to make fun of her, because his eyes were glued to the newborn.

Elise smiled as Dan came up to the bed, "Say hi to your uncle Dan, sweetie." Elise whispered.

Dan's eye widened, "Your letting her call me, Uncle Dan?"

Chris put an arm around Dan, "Well, since you're going to be part of our daughters life, she has to call you something."

"Do you want to hold her?" Elise asked.

Dan put his arms behind him and shook his head, "I don't want to drop her."

"You won't." Elise said.

Chris quickly taught Dan how to hold a new born and to Elis's surprise he didn't grumble or whine. He just stood there learning and the smile never left his face. Elise and Chris never seen Dan smile like that before. Before Dan knew it, he was holding Elise and Chris's baby. Dan swore the little goober was smiling at him.

" So what's the little tykes name?" Dan asked.

Chris and Elise smiled at each other, "Danielle."

Dan looked up from Danielle, "Oh you two are the worst."

Minutes later, Elise's parents barged into Elise's room. Elise Sr. was overjoyed to find out it was a girl Elise gave birth to.

"Jr. please tell me you named her Elise and that the tradition will go on." Elise Sr. beamed.

"My name is not Jr. Mother and no her name Danny."

Don chuckled lightly but stopped when Sr. elbowed him in the stomach.

"That's- that's a wonderful name. Congratulations." Sr. found herself saying.

Don patted Chris's back hard, " Good job, son."

Chris smiled, " You called me son."

" Yeah, don't get used to it."

**Alright and that's Chapter 3. Seriously how was it? Was it good? Bad? TELL ME! Lol. **

**I decided to give her the name Danny because well, I thought it was funny and nice that they named her after the pain in the butt Dan. Alright so I have a question for you readers out there… Should I continue this story with Chapter 4? Or just stop right here. You tell me. **

**So review… review… review. Thank you.**


	4. Epilogue

**Okay, since a lot of you wanted me to continue Dan Vs. The Baby, I decided to make an epilogue. Then after this chapter there will be a second part. It will be called, 'Dan and Chris Vs. Teenage Boys.' Alright so enjoy this epilogue of Dan Vs the Baby.**

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Elise and Chris walked up the apartment stairs and up to Dan's door. Chris put his little two year old daughter, Danny, on the floor and watched as her tiny hand knocked on Dan's door. The couple could hear Dan's grumbles from the inside of the messy apartment as the short man opened the door violently,

"What!"

Danny looked up with a smile on her face, "Unca Dan!" She held up her hands for him to pick her up. Dan looked down at the little girl with her arms up and relaxed. One little look from that baby changed Dan temper as he picked her up and gave her a kiss on the cheek,

"There's my little mini me."

Elise and Chris smiled as they walked inside the dirty apartment. Mr. Mumbles ran up to them and purred happily as she jumped up to Elise's arm. Chris put down the baby bag on the couch and started to unpack. Dan wasted no time in tickling his niece. Danny's laughter filled the gray sad apartment as Dan tickled her on his couch.

"Okay Dan, were off. You have everything you need for the night, so I guess we'll see you later."Chris said as he put the last bottle in the refrigerator.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever." Dan pushed Elise and Chris out of his apartment and slammed the door, "Okay Danny girl, are you ready to have-"Before Dan could finish his sentence, he was pulled outside by Elise. She pinned him against the door,

"Dan, if anything happens to my baby girl, I swear I'll-"

"This isn't my first time babysitting, Elise. I got this." Dan said as he felt her nails dig into his skin. Elise looked deep into Dan's eyes and then finally she put him down. It wasn't like she didn't trust Dan with her one and only child- well okay she didn't trust Dan, not one bit. But he has proven himself worthy of watching her for a couple of hours.

Chris took Elise's hand, "She'll be fine."

"Yeah," Dan agreed, "As long as she has one arm, she's okay."

Elise shot him a glance, "She better have both arms when we come back." She looked through Dan's window where she saw Danny playing with Mr. Mumbles. Chris and Elise said their goodbyes to Dan and walked down the stairs to the car. Dan could see Elis's evil glare as they drove away. When he could no longer see the car, Dan walked back inside.

Danny waddled up to him while holding Mr. Mumbles-or in this case choking the poor cat, "Unca Dan, I want to watch a movie." Dan kneeled in front of his niece,

"What movie do you want to watch?"

"Little Mermaid." She said happily.

"Uh-oh." Dan whispered. Danny reached into her My Little Pony backpack and pulled out the movie. She handed it to Dan and danced happily across the living room while singing 'Under the Sea.' Dan had probably seen the mermaid movie about over a hundred times since Danny found out that she loved mermaids. He could quote the movie perfectly if he wanted to. Whenever he would go over to Chris's house for a visit, the movie would be playing and Danny would be sitting in front of the television, quoting it.

Dan popped the movie into his old D.V.D player and hit the television a couple of times to get it going. Dan looked at Danny as she laid her head on the pillow getting ready to watch the movie, when he had an idea. He ran into the room and came out carrying a red towel. Danny raised her eyebrow,

"What are you doing, Unca Dan?"

Dan walked up to her and put the towel over her hair, "We are going to act out 'The Little Mermaid.'" Danny's gasped excitedly. Dan went to the bathroom and opened his medicine cabinet where he pulled out shaving cream. He put the cream on his hands and put it on his face to form a mustache like King Triton in the movie. When he came out, Danny let out a cute laughter,

"Your funny, Unca Dan."

Once the two were ready, Danny started singing 'Part of your World.' Dan acted out as King Triton and Sebastian, but every time he acted being mad at "Ariel" Dan couldn't keep a straight face. Dan picked up Danny pretending to be the prince in one of the scenes and kissed her on the cheek. Danny had no trouble in yelling at Dan for one scene. She actually could keep a straight face. Dan thought she might make a great actress one day.

A little later, Dan made Danny's favorite food- or attempted to. He cute the macaroni and cheese and gave it to her while he made his own lunch. Next Dan put on his favorite video of monster trucks, which Danny seemed to enjoy. She cheered as the green monster truck crushed the purple one to pieces. Dan looked at her and kissed her on the forehead.

As the time passed Danny began to yawn which made Dan yawn. Danny picked up Mr. Mumbles,

" is tired." Danny said.

Dan picked her up and walked toward his room, "I think it's time for a nap. How about you?" Danny nodded as she closed her eyes and lay on Dan's shoulder. Dan put on her pjs the best that he could. With her already knocked out it was hard for him to put the pj top on over her head that hung loosely. He gave up and decided that her undershirt would be a pj top. He walked back to the living room and lay on the couh. Danny moved a little on Dan's body and then lay still. Dan played with her hair until he fell asleep.

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**Okay, so there's the epilogue! I know it's short and probably not that good and im sorry. The second part will be out soon! I promise. Okay God bless and ill see you next time.**

**Let me know what you think. Leave me a review/comment! Thanks. **


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